When I was 12, I was so sick of feeling alone that I scoured my parents’ library. Since my mom was a therapist, there were a lot of abnormal psychology books on the shelves.  I found one huge book that was supposed to list every psychological disorder that existed called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, better known as the DSM. But after reading or at least skimming the whole thing, I did not find one disorder that looked like anything I experienced. I may have been only a preteen, but it was clear that this DSM that was supposed to be a psychiatrists’ bible was missing something.

When my parents’ library was a bust, I tried talking to real friends. I couldn’t be the only person that daydreamed this way, right? But when I asked my friends if they ever thought of alterative endings to our favorite tv shows and then watched the new ending in their heads for a few hours straight, I was met with blank stares. Even worse, I could tell that some of them thought I was crazy. So, I didn’t speak of my daydreams anymore for years to come.

However, when I got to my late teens, I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed help. So, I sat my parents down in the hopes of getting the help I desperately needed. My parents were worried about my serious tone and my request that they sit down. I think they thought I was going to tell them I was pregnant.  So, you can probably imagine their relief and loud laughter when I told them I thought I had a daydreaming disorder.  Despite not believing anything was really wrong with me, since I was upset, my parents did the right thing and took me to several therapists. Unfortunately, most of those therapists blew me off too, with a majority assuring me that there was no such thing as a daydreaming disorder. 

Since the daydreaming upticked even higher in college, I undertook more research quests. After all, a major college library with an entire psychology database would have to have something. I searched the psychology databases for hours on end looking for any mention of someone who daydreamed like me, but there was not one mention of a daydreaming addiction in the entire database. Next, I tried a television show obsession, followed by being addicted to tv shows in my head. Nope, none of those things either! I then looked for a connection between movement and daydreaming and struck out yet again.  When I got brave enough and made another attempt to tell a friend, that friend responded by telling me “Daydreaming is like having a freckle on your skin. It’s not worth worrying about.”  I think she was trying to be helpful and supportive and wanted to assure me there was nothing wrong, but it had the opposite effect. I shut my mouth yet again.

My silence wasn’t surprising since some of the early research I co-conducted, including a 2011 study with Dr. Cynthia Schupak, demonstrated that an overwhelming 82% of those with self-identified MD told no one about their fantasy, not their spouses, not their children, not their parents and not even their therapists. This secrecy was an obstacle when a small group of us started to grow a movement of MD sufferers. To propel that movement, in 2015, I did one of the scariest things in my life; I came out publicly as having MD in an article in the newsmagazine the Atlantic. I was beyond terrified of people’s reactions, but I fretted for nothing.  Most people in my life didn’t see the article and anyone who did was intrigued by it, not repulsed.  After the Atlantic article came out, I heard from many more reporters who wanted to do follow up stories on MD.  But they wanted to include me and another MDer.  It was close to impossible to find anyone else who was willing to go public on camera, using their real name and MD story.  For that reason, in those days we had to pass on several print and television news opportunities.

Flash forward almost a decade, and there are now videos by hundreds of people on TikTok or other social media who say they have MD, and many of these videos have over 100k views, with some having millions of views. In fact, the hashtag Maladaptive Daydreaming on TikTok has over 273.9 million views. What happened?  How did we go from having almost no one willing to publicly declare having MD to having it be a trending topic on social media?  Much credit must go to Dr. Somer for giving our daydreaming a name with real science behind it.  It’s a lot easier to say I have X disorder than it is to say I like to watch the lives of my imaginary friends in my head. Some of the openness now surrounding MD has also been due to a sea change on beliefs regarding mental health in general with celebrities, professionals and patients all working together to destigmatize all sorts of mental health conditions. As people see others feeling comfortable describing the mental health experiences they previously hid from view, they too feel comfortable breaking free from the chains of silence. 

Although there is so much less secrecy and shame surrounding MD, has all the secrecy gone away? Unfortunately, I don’t think so.  First, some countries lag behind, and for them, the stigma continues to loom large and help for any mental health condition, let alone an unrecognized one like MD, is still often impossible to find. But even in countries with strong mental health care, many people continue to be reluctant to tell those closest to them or even their mental health professionals about their daydreaming. I was surprised when I interviewed a few young people for social media videos when they told me that they kept their daydreaming secret from their parents and families.  They seemed assured that their parents would remain unknowing about their MD since they weren’t viewers of social media. 

So, while we have made great strides in talking to each other about MD, especially on social media where millions of people could see us, many of us still don’t feel comfortable telling the people closest to us. Until those walls are broken down through better education of the public on MD, we risk continuing to suffer in silence with secrecy and shame.

Jayne Biegelsen